New address, same ranting.

We’ve moved, but I’m guessing you know that, since you found us here.The site itself is being relaunched with a new Beta version on October 1st, and it looks oh.so.much prettier, I took this opportunity to ditch the lurid cyan blogger blog and move over here where things are slightly less garish and more controlled.

And just as a heads up, this post is essentially a rant about Hollywood remakes, with specific reference to Rob Zombies massacre of the Carpenter slasher defining masterpiece Halloween.

Oh, where to begin?

I understand that Zombie loves Carpenter and wanted to pay homage to the ultimate in genre defining 70s horror, and I really liked both House of … and The Devils Rejects. 70’s Porn inspired Gore, not a problem for me, like the look (even if it does reek of Tarantino and Rodriguez, if they listened to White Zombie for fun) but Rob, what were you thinking??

It’s not a direct remake – although much of the script remains the same – for we spend a long time at the start of the movie getting to know young, speaking, Michael Myers, this is presumably so we can understand he only turns out the way he did ‘cos his Mother is a stripper, and his (stand in) father figure is an alcoholic, and we mustn’t forget his slutty older sister who just didn’t give him the attention he needed.

McDowell is competent as Samuel Loomis, but let’s face it he’s NEVER ever going to be Donald Pleasance. His character too, seems hellbent on humanising Myers. At one stage declaring him, the nearest thing he has to a best friend. Instead of viewing Michael as an evil killing machine, a human version of Jaws if you will, we , right from the get go are shown his motivation and asked to empathise with him. Every one that Michael attacks (until he breaks out of the asylum) has literally asked for it, and not on a subtextual level either.

It’s not all terrible, it’s watchable. The main problem being, a humanised Michael Myers that you feel empathy for, just isn’t that scary. Oh look, it’s Sabre from X-men in a mask, walking to quickly, after people. I won’t ruin (haha) the ending for you, suffice to say that the last *Shape stalks Laurie* segment of the film, instead of echoing Carpenters edge-of-the-seat tension, is almost boring, to the extent that you just want it to be over already.

Just watch the original, twice.

As is by now customary, here’s a list of other terrible Hollywood remakes for you to check out. If you’re a masochist.

• Psycho – Dear Gus Vant Sant – wasn’t this whole exercise a little pointless. Did you honestly think you could do it better than Hitchcock, really?
• Texas Chainsaw Massacre - Hollywood in the 00’s really, really needs to get over churning out classic 70’s horror remakes, I get that there are similarities in the politics, but shouldn’t we have our own voice? It was more than gore the first time around. Think about it.
• The Ring - I’m using this as an umbrella for all the asia extreme remakes, admittedly, the ring is not that terrible,Gore does a pretty good job of the mono no aware thing, but they ALL pale in comparison to the originals.
• City of Angels – Is it just me that finds it unlikely Wenders would have cast Meg Ryan? And put the Goo Goo Dolls on the soundtrack? No, no, no, no, no.
• Kingdom Hospital - the Stephen King rewrite of Lars Von Triers genuinely chilling Riget. Andrew McCarthy seems to be the last surviving member of the Brat Pack still intent on working. And Stephen King hasn’t done anything good since Stand By Me. Don’t be afraid of subtitles my friends.

I made a list on our listography which is slightly more extensive. Let me know any I’ve missed you feel super strongly about.